How To Be a Super Villain (comm9)

 “It’s a bird!”

“No! It’s a plane!”

“No! It’s an angry bird!”

What do you expect? Another Superman dialogue? Why are you so deceived by those goody-two-shoes? They’re just nothing but a bunch of cowards who use the people’s favor to win over evil. Don’t you just hate them?  (Okay, I am getting too emotional.)

Superheroes won’t exist if there won’t be any super villains plotting wickedness everywhere. Thus, we must thank these super villains because if it weren’t for them, there won’t be any Superman, Spiderman, and Captain America. Good won’t exist if there is no evil. It’s called balance. But why is it that super villains are always the one defeated? Isn’t that unfair?

When super villains and heroes are created, they equally have their strengths and weaknesses. But, as always, the villain’s weakness will always be the one exposed. “And so Super Blah-Blah pawned Evil Too-Toot’s head to death. And they live happily ever after.”

In behalf of all the villains in this round lump of dirt (Earth), I am calling your attention villain wanna-be’s. We have to revenge for our late villains who sacrificed their lives for audience sake. I know we are all confused on how we will start. And here I have the ways on how to be a Super Villain version 2011.

1.       Save money.

There is no poor villain though there are some who looks as dirty as a rat but surely they have the bucks to pay their goonies to spread some scary stuff in the streets. You need money to buy spare parts for your weapons (unless you create them yourself). You need money to dress up as evil as possible. So start saving money.

2.       You don’t need a super power, just super ability.

Many super villains didn’t have super powers. Intelligence is the most important thing you must attain because it’s the first thing you need to take over the world. You need realistic skills not some fictional levitating powers. And there is no need to have a deadly deal with the devil.

3.       You must have a pet.

Villains are loners but they usually have their pets as companions. Cats are more favorable because of their wicked-looking eyes. Reptiles are also good. Just make sure you know how to handle them or else.

4.       Think of your evil laugh.

All villains have their signature laughs and you must have one too. They vary depending on the mood of the villain. But you must control it and still have some manners.

5.       Your evil name.

You must have a name that would surely frighten people. Think of a name that would make you more evil.  You can just add some words in you real name like “Ed the Wicked”  or  “Mark Master of Mayhem”. Just make it a bit stylish and rhyming so it would be easily remembered.

6.       Have a headquarters.

Villains don’t just live in a house; they always have one secret place where they plan all their wickedness and where they invent their weapons of destruction. They may live in a simple house but maybe underneath it is an underground lair. It may be far from your house like a cave or a wrecked old mansion. Just do not make it accessible to other people and don’t make it obvious.

7.       Prepare a speech.

Villains are known for their wicked monologues where in they reveal their plans but they usually start on where they came from or how their wickedness started. You may put some drama regarding your bitter childhood or about your failures.

8     Plot your evil plans.

You cannot just destroy the earth without any plan on how to do it. You must plan all your actions before doing it. You must know all the possibilities in your plan so you may predict what the hero would do. Thus you can prevent yourself from being shamefully defeated.

Now that you know the ways on how to be a super villain, why don’t you start with the first step so you may work with your evil plans as soon as possible? I know that saving the earth is cool but world domination is cooler.

#